I’ve tried to write this more than once. I wanted to be a tiny lighthouse of positivity in this sh*t storm of Lysol fog and masks, but I don’t know how to be. Honestly, I also thought about giving up writing this all together. At one point I wanted to share the sources where I came to find myself and settle in as the ‘Molly’ I’ve always wanted to be. I also thought about doing a 'Dear Diary" and sharing more about where I’m at in life and my new love, and then I thought about not writing this all together. –However, here we are.
Oh, and just so we are clear, before I turn all ‘fortune cookie’—if you’re wondering about loneliness—yeah, there’s that. If you’re lonely, know I am lonely too (no offense, bro). I miss a lot of things and people, too. If you’re bored and want something to watch, here’s a list of things I’ve watched lately: The Inventor: Out for Blood In Silicon Valley (HBO), Home Before Dark (Apple TV+), Tiger King (Netflix), The Morning Show (Apple TV+), JoJo Rabbit (Amazon Prime), and Unorthodox (Netflix). -AND- I want you to know I am human. I've eaten roughly five boxes of cereal (not in one sitting) and stayed up way too late watching silly stuff on YouTube. I've also read books and drank a lot of water.
(I know what I just said, but…) Oddly enough this pandemic has thrust the introvert (me) into not wanting to share. Anything. The pandemic has built bubbles around everyone and the bubble that has so lovingly wrapped its latex-gloved little arms around me with is—pretty cozy. I love my cozy bubble. I’ve got my snacks and my sparkling water and I’m doing well. -AND- Yes, I am working. I am working from home and I am loving it. Since I am working from home, I’m going to be completely honest...*deep breath* I am wearing all my cute shoes with my ‘ever-so-prestigious’ active lifestyle attire, so I feel like I’m in work-mode. (that was supposed to make you laugh) Anyway, I know what I said about my bubble, but there is part of me that is excited to get back to the office. I don’t want to rub this in anyone’s face, that is the last thing that I ever want to do…
-BUT- I want to express my full, genuine gratitude for having a job right now. I almost don’t know how to express how grateful I am because we all know someone that has been touched by a ripple in this pool of COVID-19. I also don’t want to come across tone deaf to anyone in the current state of our world by over expressing my gratitude. I know a lot of people that are working that feel the same way I do. I worry for those that aren’t working right now, and I honestly feel scared, worried, and quite sad for those that have been furloughed, laid off or just put on hold because of the pandemic. While it isn’t exactly the same, I have had memories flood back toward me—memories of being fresh out of college without a job. I remember that time in my life. A time before Netflix was as easily accessed as it is today, before Hulu, before Apple TV+, before Amazon Prime, before Disney+… it’s hard to believe that was a whole decade ago. –off topic. All I am saying is, if you don’t have a job right now, I feel you, and I’ve been there, you have my sympathy. Also, high-ten to the parents that are now teachers of America’s youth (aka their own children), you deserve a fancy chrome award with embossed text. We all need be grateful for those educators for not only teaching, but for being the brave souls to allow those few that are a bit feral into the classroom for 9 months in the year. All jokes aside, teachers are special people and I think everyone sees that it does truly take all kinds to make the world go ‘round. (I know children aren’t feral, it was a joke—just in case there’s a judgey-wudgy bear) Also those that are working to keep other humans healthy, and those humans that are trying to lift all our spirits, a big high-ten...from at least 6' away...preferably with gloves and a mask, after you've washed your hands for 20 seconds.
I was on Twitter this morning and saw one of my favorites @deepakchopra and he posted a photo of himself and had the tagline that “a new world is being born…” I couldn’t agree more.
I know everyone keeps saying, “When things go back to normal…” but the truth is, all of our lives will be different once the pandemic is in the rearview. The "normal" we all knew will be a memory. Sure, we’ll be able to recreate some of what was, but some we won’t. Either way, 'normal' won't be the same as it was, and we have to keep moving... we will keep moving. I’ll be honest, I am looking forward to the new normal. I have absolutely no idea what future Molly will be like, or what her world will look like, but I’m sure there will be snacks and water, so the “new normal” can’t be that scary. While I have a lot of excitement in this moment for what will be, I would be spinning a web of lies if I said I didn’t [also] have any fear for what is to come. Yes, I am [also] nervous, I don’t know what will happen in 6 months, or tomorrow for that matter. I expect I’ll get up and shower then get to work on my work, have some coffee, listen to NPR, drink my protein shake and have a couple online meetings with my co-workers. –tangent. My apologies. Never mind that I [also] believe that a new normal is being born, it is when will the new normal be upon us—that is the hard part.
I’ve had this same on-going discussion with a friend about being patient and how it’s really effing hard (sorry for the implied profanity). Everyone has been there, and if you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “…actually…I am pretty sure I can say I’ve never…” Let me just stop you there, cowboy. You’re bold-face lying if you’re even starting down that path. Everyone has been lucky enough to have been graced with the desire for instant gratification from being impatient. It’s hard to be patient, it’s hard to want something so badly, but have to wait and allow what’s in between do its job and change us. If we got instant gratification all the time, we’d end up a few pounds heavier and possibly down the garbage chute, just ask Veruca Salt about instant gratification. ‘The Middle’ is the most uncomfortable, but it is where the magic happens. It is the actual test to see if we can accept the change with a good attitude knowing that what’s on the other side of the change is better than what’s behind us.
Getting into and keeping the good attitude is hard too, not allowing these changes to harden the soul, becoming angry and bitter towards the world. It’s finding comfort within the chaos, knowing that these changes will bring about ‘better than’ what was. Allowing and accepting change—letting go of control IS really effing hard. (again, sorry for the implied profanity). I know I sound like a fortune cookie…but I’m not sorry.
We must also be more grateful. Yes, the pandemic is awful and really scary, and it is hard to see the points of gratitude, but they’re there. We have to have gratitude for what is happening because it is changing us, all of us as individuals, and us as a whole. Whether the change that’s happening results in something good or bad is up to what lens you’re choosing to look through.
My finishing fortune cookie for you is this:
Happiness—you can fake being happy, but joy—you cannot fake joy, and true joy cannot be contained.
I can’t say I know someone that’s passed from COVID-19, nor can I say I’ve known someone that’s survived it, but I know by the time this is over, I will probably have a name or two on those lists and I might be singing a different tune. Even though the end of the pandemic isn’t in sight quite YET, I am trying really hard to follow my fortune-cookie self by saying I am choosing to keep a good attitude and I am grateful for what’s happening because whatever changes I am experiencing will better me as a human. That is the lens I am choosing and will continue to choose. Attitude of gratitude followed by a shower of joy—even from my comfortably lonely bubble.
-AND-
In case you’re wondering—yes, I do say this to myself:
“I am choosing to keep a good attitude because on the other side of the chaos and turmoil is joy. Pure, uncontainable joy.”
